A search for the boundless cloud

 I feel like I’m waiting for something that will never happen. I don’t know what it is, if it’s a person or a thing or a miracle. Now, I know that I usually live with my head in the clouds, but I try my best to keep my feet fixed in the ground, because if I let myself believe in the delusions that my mind creates, then I will lose my hold on reality forever. Its already so difficult to be different, imagine how life would be when you go insane! Its almost funny how I let other people’s perceptions of me distort my own, but I jumped over that hurdle recently.

I don’t remember what I came here to say, I felt compelled to write because there was something inside me that was writhing to get out, but now when I sit Infront of the computer screen to scratch some words into in, like a kitten that tries to climb a tree, I keep failing. I feel the darkness coming, but then again, like my every single thought it is left half loved and incomplete. I don’t know the full picture; I just desperately hold on to the fragments of reality which fall apart Infront of my eyes.

I’m not writing this in any pain. I’m not going to lie; I feel pain so profoundly, more than I’ve felt any other emotion. But this is not a result of that agony. I’m simply confused. I don’t understand many things that are so common to the human mind but then again, I grasp so much that would render a simpleton speechless. I feel like I am a conflicted contradiction, like I’m thrown into the numbness in-between chaos and the calm. Trapped inside my own nebulous maze…running around the labyrinth inextricably trying to get to the exit. Trying to find solace in the glass house I create with my own words, only to be broken and rebuilt in an endless cycle. (I’m surprised at how many times I used ‘I’ while writing this, but this is usually the only place things are about me, so don’t mistake me for a narcissist. Bear with me)

 And I still keep waiting for something or someone who’s existence I’m completely oblivious to, like the good Vladimir and Estragon who patiently awaited the arrival of Godot. To my boundless cloud I can never find; I don’t know how much of me have melted into you, and you into me. For you I will wait an eternity in this dark place, ever so soothing. Light leaks away from me,  but I will preserve some to lead you home to me.

-Anupama